Why haven’t I written anything until now? Well, there are a multitude of reasons. The main reasons being some of the most obvious, and the others being the obvious reasons for the former.
Obviously, the main reasons being total creative blocks and absolute lack of motivation. Typical for any creative, especially during emotionally and mentally challenging times. You’d think that those challenges were a goldmine for producing ground-breaking work but, alas, here I am, 10 months post the UK’S first lockdown and now in the 3rd lockdown which is essentially where we started. Square fucking one. With the intention to lift it slowly. WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!? (Because I’m not in charge of this gaff, clearly). Now we are facing this ‘pandemic fatigue’ which could have been avoided if our incompetent government had just done their jobs properly. I almost want to apologise for even mentioning anything covid related but, unfortunately we are in the midst of it and frankly it is relevant.
I would have written months and months ago if I had been able to find a focus but, with my deteriorating mental health, living in a household full of borderlines (officially and unofficially diagnosed), it has felt like a living nightmare, with numerous outbursts and nervous breakdowns. Not to mention having been in (and recently ended) a stagnant relationship which was causing more stress than joy and living in complete denial for longer than necessary. I almost feel a deep sense of shame admitting that when I’ve been through enough of that bullshit to know better. Alas, cold hard truths sometimes take time to learn.
Why didn’t I write about any of this or even about all the yoga and mindfulness I was practicing, or the frustration with this so-called “democracy” we’re living in? It would be a lie if I said “I really don’t know” because the truth is, I was under so much stress, looking after my sick grandmother AKA Gma, trying to fix a dead relationship, continuously feeling suicidal at varying degrees, and losing weight due to the exceptional levels of stress which comes with all of those things. Eating is never a problem for me except when I’m drowning in cortisol. Not to mention my ongoing anger at how the pandemic has been handled in the UK and feeling like you’re constantly being gaslighted by the government and the people who don’t seem to care that THE VIRUS IS STILL VERY MUCH HERE.
I guess there were and are so many things to be writing about, such as everything I’ve mentioned, I just didn’t know where to start, and having zero motivation gripping me in this constant cycle of trying and not getting anywhere just plummeted me into a hole I felt I couldn’t escape. However, here I am with my first post on Filtering Through The (fucking) Bullshit. I wonder what I will write about next. Suggestions are always welcome.